Morning attempt...

So this morning I wake up in the normal way, and start going through the motions of life again. Each day finding itself less of a nightmare but still very raw.
Just as I think ok today's gonna be chill, my mind brings to the attention reality as it comes into focus for the first blinking moments. Then I realize yes, today is just as FUCKED as any other day......hey life as usual. Consistancy is the key to normal life right? After dreaming all night about hanging out with karen, I wake with a smile today though. Friday the 13th.....ooooh creepy. Makes me think of that movie with the people who switch bodies. Karen if you can hear me you're not gonna switch and posess my body to talk to those who are here. No matter how cool or relieving it may be to you......forget it. You'd dress me up in a tutu before you left possession.

The dreams...they come every night. Sometimes good, sometimes bad. Always with a message. No matter how small the message is, I know. It is her way of saying Hi. Even when it's her poking at you. This entire dream I had wasnt of past events. Things that havent happened yet that could have...things if she were still alive. So I wake up, I cry and then smile....and try to hold onto every last detail of her. Of what she said to me in the dream . It's kinda funny how I spend 28 years tryin to forget some of the things she said to me and now I will spend the rest of my life trying to remember every last word. But that's Karen for you.

No matter how much she PISSED you off....she always had something worth hearing. Somewhere within the conversation. No matter if the rest of it was utter babble. There was always that one thing that she would say to redeem the rest of the conversation.

So today I went to her blog (which I havent done in a while) and decided I was gonna laugh. I took this test that she had on there.....Which card are you? Really creepy what it came up with. It described me to a "T" and it made me laugh.

I have spent many hours talking with karens friends. Those who truely knew her. Those who loved her as I did. As a sister. As a Best friend. As Karen in her full glory. It has helped me with the pain...but the memories still flood me.

Regret is something karen spoke about very sincerely. Karen knew what Regret was. She was very clear about the subject. It was her way of forgiving me for a few things and helping me forgive myself. In her awesome or as someone once quoted about karen "FUCKING AWESOME" (thanks Jim Gomoll...yeah Jim really said F*ing)way, Karen has helped me with part of my life that I was stuck upon. Constantly regretting my mistakes of the past. Always wallowing within them, she broke me free.

No at this point I havent lost my mind yet. I'm serious. She broke me free.

For those of you who know me I've done many things in a short lifespan. I continually run from thing to thing, place to place. I am constantly changing, making things different for me. Trying to find where I fit in. Trying to find what is comfortable for me. I have been all over the country and even now continually search for what is right. I know what I want, just now realizing how to get it. I have to let go of my regrets. I have to let go of my fears. Put my mind to it.
Uncle Dave once said "once you put your mind to something, its over with. You make it happen." followed by "you're smarter than I am.." Ok the man makes a great living and has the things in life he wants. I have the necessities and a few comforts....but what am I missing? What is it that he has that I do not? Then it hits me. Drive. He has the drive that no other person has. The determination to make things happen just because he decides thats what he's gonna do. Wanna live like uncle dave, gotta think like uncle dave.

Decisions are hard. They are the choice between failure and sucess. I hate to fail.

Why do I let failing stand in my way? No regrets remember?

Everyone stand back as I journey forth to make things happen. To take hold of my life. To venture off into another crazy adventure but this time.....I have her guidence. Something I never listened to before. I had good reason. Still, with that being said....Chicago here I come. I'm flying into Chicago to spend the night with Uncle Dave and the gang. Gonna take a moment to smile. To laugh. To get the encouragement I've always gotten from him. The love that he's always shown.

Then rebuild my life once again. To Find myself. To break free of this once and for all. It's as if I needed to completely shut down before I could start again. To Reboot. Too bad the system had to crash before I could reboot. I've never been so exhausted in my life.

I know as I venture forth, karen will be with me. I like to think that she's been charged with being my guardian angel for her passage into heaven. It keeps me smiling.

They say that when someone impacts your life, you're forever changed. With karen, You're completely a different person. Thats how "Fucking Awesome" she is.

Love you sis.