Inside the mind

To describe myself would be impossible. Try to sort through the aimless dialogue that goes through my head and figure me out for yourself. I'm still trying.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009


Well it seems that its the time of year that new things are about to start growing. Life is going to bloom and the seasons have changed.

St. Patricks day will never be the same. Today is the day I have decided i am going to follow my mothers footsteps and quit smoking. I am turning 30 years old in 7 days.


I honestly didn't know what it would be like to be 30. Any time I thought about being 30, it was not this life I pictured. I ask myself why it is different and within seconds already know the answer.
I want that life...

As I look in my pack, I see 6 of them left. 6 cigarettes. 5 reasons I cannot run like i used to. (just lit one while I was writing this blog) 5 reasons that I cannot play my trumpet for as long. 5 reasons that my children will not have their father longer. 5 little cancer causing agents. 5 reasons my hands, clothes and breath smell like an ashtray. 5 reasons I wake up with crud in my lungs until I gag/choke/cough it out in the morning. I am so frickin over it. I unlike my mother will not use the reduce method. Once I set my mind to it, everyone knows it happens.
Tammy and I have both agreed we need to quit. She is mona jr as I have called her many times and will use the reduce method. I will cut it out like the cancer it causes. When these 5 are gone, my smoking habit will go with them.

Alexis and Daniel, I will live to see you graduate. I will live to see you marry. I will see you bring children into the world. I will not let my choice to be stupid and my lack of exercise be the reason you go without me.

I choose to get back my life from this curse that has plagued me since I stole the first one from my mom.

30 years old does not bring midlife crisis. It brings an eye opening realization of how selfish I've lived my life these past 30 years. It brings yet another year of growth and lastly, one more step to being a better father.

I love you kids.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

State of Michigan

Thank you Wonderful State of Michgan Driving board.

Once again, I am the Underdog

I did this to myself. I made the choices. I made the mistakes.

I keep telling myself this.

One thing keeps popping back into my head......It's just not fair.

I truely believe that I got what I deserved for my poor lack of judgement in my youth, however I am no longer making those choices. I am no longer choosing to be an irresponsible idiot. If only I could get the state of michigan to see.

They refused my application for clearance of my license. Completely understandable. See if you have any incidents in the state of michigan involving alcohol, you are branded an alcoholic. No matter what your drinking habits, lifestyle or even if it was an isolated incident.

So here it is. I am an alcoholic. I am someone who cannot resist a drink. I cannot walk by a bar without stopping in and drinking til I pass out. I cannot walk by a liquor store without buying as many bottles as I can afford. I cannot stop once I start. I am a raging alcoholic. ........NOT!!!!!!!!!!!

None of these things are true. I haven't consumed alcohol in such a long time. It's been so long that I don't even remember when I drank last. Yet This is how the state of michigan sees me. Alcohol is so non-existant in my life that It hasnt even crossed my mind unless I was thinking about the driving board or the state of Michigan.

I live in a town of alcoholics. There's 3 things to do here. Drink, drug or make babies. Considering I want no part in any of that, I do not socialize much. Yet the state wants Letters from people who I have interacted with during recreational times. Here's the catch...they have to live near me and have personally witnessed my behavior. Well considering the only social interaction I have is with the 2 people that submitted letters to the state, and the rest are ALL OVER THE WORLD, it is virtually impossible for me to meet the state's requirements. Yet in order to gain my license back I have to form social relationships with people that I have no interest in. People who drink or formerly drank. I'm sorry but I really truely feel that in order to gain my license back I have to LIE to the state of michigan or socialize with people who will encourage me to attend social gatherings in which alcohol is involved! In this town there are House parties or the bar. Wow....what a concept. Since I am not of a significant Financial standing, I cannot attend the tea parties, golf outings or other activities which consist of things not related to alcohol. Since I have no license, it limits me to the confines of my own house and anywhere I can take myself by foot power. Now those of you that know me realize there's no way in hell I'm gonna walk somewhere unless its important. For me, socializing is only a keystroke away. Talking to someone involves a phone or a keyboard. It involves being online and not leaving my chair. It consists of logging on and sitting home where I will not be around alcohol. Where Boredom and booze is not a factor. Yet this does not fit into the state's plan. If it were up to the State of Michigan, they'd have me out and about to congregate places where alcohol is readily available. Since We as adults are limited to establishments or social gatherings of a large scale, there is no real place for us to "Hang Out" or get to know someone besides places that adults come together. Now ask yourself this....where do adults go outside of thier house to meet other people. To form Friendships. Work? bah....most of those I've worked with are people that I want to leave at work at the end of the day since my jobs have been limited to entry level menial jobs due to my lack of a license. Jobs only Teens and Wasteoids have obtained. Jobs that only those who are desperate delinquent or dumb have taken. So we move on to the next place that we as Adults go. The bar. Well DUH MCFLY....that one's definitely out. Where to next? .....There isnt anyplace. ABSOLUTELY NOWHERE within this town for an Adult to go to have social interaction with another human being outside of establishments that sell alcohol. Damned if I do, Damned if I dont. I choose Isolated Sobriety in the confines of my own home over social interaction with others in physical presence. So what now State of Michigan? Are you going to set up Socials here in Russell Kansas so that I may be able to fall within your guidelines? Are you going to give me ideas as to how to meet these people that are supposed to write these Letters of reference for me? At least require something that is actually possible. Not fictional situations and fictional people. Follow the right path and it will lead you to rejection by the state of michigan. Break the rules and you will be able to lie like everyone else.

This just goes to show how Screwed up the state of michigan and all its rules and regulations truely are. In this day and age it has become such a police state that even if you do make a mistake, you are stuck within the system, eternally damned or destined to financially fall from anything resembling stability. You are literally prevented from taking care of yourself without bending or breaking the rules unless you have a LOT of people who are willing to support you, transport you or better yet...lie for you.

God forbid anyone ever try to stick to the right path in the state of michigan. If they do, they'll end up moving out of state. Even then the dictatorship that michigan has become will follow you no matter where you go. You cannot escape the grasp that the lovely glove state has. No wonder its shaped like a hand. They've been jerking me around ever since I was born. Squeezing me by the neck since I could pay taxes. Wringing every last dollar out of me that I made when I COULD find employment. Least they could have done if they wanted my money so bad was to allow me to be employed. Yet there are not enough jobs. Even if there was one the public transportation is limited and when available will squeeze what little money you do have left right back out of you. Between cost of living, Raise in utilities and fines, fees, taxes and transportation cost, I'd be paying to work. It would make more sense to file for welfare, HUD and be unemployed. Even if I wanted to go through all of that so I could be seen as a respectable human being it would be impossible to find a job. Why get out of bed?

Do something State of Michigan or we'll all be on welfare at this rate.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007


It has been some time since I have posted on my blog. I don't even know if anyone reads it anymore. I just figure its a good place for me to get out some thoughts. Lately, I have been diving into working on websites and website design. I have become involved in an internet radio station as well. I have hours and hours of work put into several websites and have accomplished something. I am currently providing website hosting, website design and website administration. I am currently working on several projects for other people with the potential for it to become something major. Something will work out eventually. 5 customers after only operating a month. Its a start. 50 customers will come soon enough. Once I have 50, I will be satisfied.
I've been asked to do a remix on an album for a musician friend of mine. I am honored he felt I was up to the task. I will let you all know when it will be released.
I've been stressed lately but life is slowly sorting itself out. I have my assessment on the 18th and am very excited about that. One step closer to gaining my life back. I can't wait til everything gets back to functional. I dont even ask for normal. Is there a normal? anyway I will start to do some cool things with this site after I finish a few of my other projects. I will be making a memorial page later this month as well. I will make sure to post the site when its finished. It will be my gift to those who loved Karen. It will be the last piece I need to place to deal with that pain. Its something that I can do to express my feelings. It has been a little over 6 months and it seems like it was yesterday. Recently, Tammy lost her mom. Seeing the pain of loss brought everything back to the surface. Watching a family lose someone unexpectedly was a nightmare once again. Life, all sucks. Dead people have it easy, its the living that are screwed. No matter what we do, we always have to live through some sort of pain. Hopefully the good moments will start to outweigh the bad ones. One day at a time, one step at a time I will continue to fix me. I will continue to hold my head up and push on. Alone, together, whatever....I will survive.

Monday, July 9, 2007

Lexi comes to Kansas

My babies came to Kansas for a wedding. Perfect opportunity to spend the weekend with Lexi!

After a long drive of flat fields and a few farms one field fire and about 2 hrs of anticipation we finally arrived in Wichita only to get lost!

After driving in the WRONG direction through Wichita, we finally arrived at the Hotel(condo) that Laura and gang were staying in and got Princess Lexi. She was very happy to see daddy.

With a 2 hr drive it took a lot of creativity to keep her occupied because daddy forgot the video tape for the car. We had fun though. This was Lexi the construction worker. Pretend is a great game!

Before we got home, Tammy insisted we stop to get all of lexi's favorite treats. HER milk, Her cereal, Granola bars and CHEETOS For her SPECIAL SNACK. Daddy even got sprite so she could have some pop. What a wonderful plan to make her feel special. Thanks for making sure the trip was memorable Tammy. I'm sure she loved the shopping trip.

Visits with lexi mean lots of fun. Every once in awhile it means a backrub. Daddy got lucky this time!

Mornings were spent cuddling on the couch watching Cartoons and just relaxin!

Lexi had a blast meeting new people, playing with doggies and can't forget the indoor squirtgun fight.

Kerrianne stopped by to bring her mt. dew and M&M's just to make sure she had enough energy to play with daddy. THANKS ALOT KERRIANNE.

Overall it was a great trip. Lots of laughs, lots of fun. Can't wait to see my babygirl again. Thank you Laura for bringing her here to experience a wonderful trip to see daddy.

Tuesday, May 1, 2007


Sisters are great
Sisters are fun
Sisters make you laugh
But they can also make you run

I love my sisters
there is no doubt
Sisters always love you
but now I only have one.

This one is special to me
No matter how we fight
she has always been kind
We've always been tight

Someone who would never let me fall
As close to a sibling as I could be
Being standoffish with all
I let Cat see the true side of me.

She is my sister
always chose her over the other
she watched over me
just like my own mother

This poem is just to say
Thank you cat pee
I think of you every day
Thank you for being there for me

Love you sis. No matter what I am here for you. I apologize for my last post since I did not explain it very well. Karen of all people captured it with one statement that mom found on her computer.

I know you love me and I love you. Just need to work things out in life and its hard to do with so much love. It's hard to hide from things you have to face if there's love and support there to help you. You of all people I do not want to disappoint and facing you this summer would be hard. Have to take things one day at a time. As you said "Baby steps". I'm trying. Just know that. Love you Cat.

Monday, April 23, 2007

Being home......

finally I can just hang out......
I get up this morning and mom has been up and doing her usual motions of the day. Already up and alive for the day accomplishing things like clockwork. Setting out the day and how things are going to be done. Everyone having stayed home but dad and mikey, Both setting thier homelife emotions aside, they go forth to tackle the daily riggors of work and school. They are strong. I just want to hug them. I admire them for thier strength.

I spent the day keeping myself busy accomplishing small and mundane tasks. Fixing the mower, mowing, trimming the bushes, playing with catie to keep her out of grandma's hair. Making Catie laugh. She stayed home because she was "sick" and needed grandma. Dinner was good and late night snacks as well. Everyone's made thier rounds in the house, falling off slowly to thier resting spots for the night. Mike and I pound the keys into the wee hours finding no rest in sight. Sitting in the dark at our computers listening to chill music. The reality of home. It feels so the same. Just for a moment I don't hurt.

As I talked with mom today, I told mom if I was here when cat showed I'd be leaving about the time Cat got into town. She chuckled knowing my meaning and said ok joey. But then I thought about things deeply this evening. It would be nice to have her here. To tell her I love her. To see my nephew. Miss you lots tater tots. To share a moment or two with them. To keep them fresh in my heart. No matter what, good times or bad, a moment together is worth everything in the world. They are family. Embrace those moments together, for one day they will be worth a lifetime of smiles, tears, laughter and most importantly love. Looking forward in seeing you Cat, if I'm still here. I apologize if you took any offense to that but you understand how sometimes I can max you out with my hardheadedness. Moving on, I May be in Chicago with Uncle dave by the time that rolls around.Catie and I had fun today. She got a thorough tickling to the floor by the claw.

Life does go on no matter how hard it is. It is what it is.

Saturday, April 21, 2007

Had to....just to see..

You Are a Believer

You definitely believe in God - and you're very unwavering in your religious beliefs.
In fact, religion and spirituality are definitely big parts of your life.
Religion shapes how you view right and wrong, as well as the decisions you make.
It's hard for you to imagine how your life would be without your beliefs.

Did anyone ever wonder?