Dear Lord...

Allmighty god, the father of everything good....please I get down on my knees and beg you to watch over my sister. To take away her pain. To let the truth be known about her situation. To watch over her. To let her be ok. I pray in this hour of desparation that you be with her in my stead. I cannot watch over her myself. This I ask as a favor. One that I will repay to you in any way. Take care of her.

Amen

Update to today for the moment.

So I decided today I was going to do exactly what I wanted when I wanted and stop feeling sorry for myself. I sat in my chair got this all of my system with the help of a few good friends doing whatever they could to make me laugh....

Then my mom calls...and makes me feel a little better knowing she did remember!
Thanks mom....even though it was on your schedule...lol

28th birthday

I am 28. It's official.

Life sucks.

I sit here on my birthday feeling very alone and sad. I am sad that my family, my children and friends are not here to wish me a Happy Birthday. I tried to call my mother so she could share with me the exact moment I was born. She was on the phone with Uncle Dave and would call me back. Of all days, of all times. I waited 30 minutes, the moment passed........and I felt shitty. I am home....alone. I call mom again to tell her I'm gonna be gone all day. To at least tell her I love her and to thank her for today. Because today has always been special for me. It was a day my mother made me feel like 1000000 bucks. Because every year on March 24th when I lived at home, I felt like a king. Mom did that. Today, I feel like I have been forgotten. She did not answer. I then Call Uncle Dave and he answers like I knew he would. I ask him to relay the message. He confirms it, then hangs up. Another person who did not recognize the significance of this day. After a few moments of clearing my eyes, I think back to this morning. I have one happy moment for today. Lexi. She called, sang in english and Chinese and asked if she was invited to my birthday party. Asking if she could come. At this point I'm in total tears, typing this blog.

I think this is the worst birthday ever. I will never forget this birthday the rest of my life.

I keep this blog for one reason. So that my children at some point if they ever doubt me as a loving father realize that I am trying. I can't express the guilt I feel when I think of the moments lost. Of times I was not there for you children. I Love you Alexis and Daniel. I'm sorry.

Alexis, I Love you so much. For every last smile you've given me. For every last laugh. You are my every breath. You are why I try.

Daniel, You are my proudest moment. I had a boy. Every time I hear you I smile. You are my every step. You drive me to be a better man. You are why I will never give up.

Mom, I know your life is chaotic. I know you have a million and one things on your mind. I know you dont realize how important today is. You either forgot or forgot what it was like. Either way I love you anyway. I just accept that sometimes you don't have time.

Maybe next year......

Brotherly Love

Ok this post is specifically for andy

My Brother doo
the one I love most
You smell like poo
and your shoulder is toast

You think I'm fat?
You think I'm Lazy?
well you're a spoiled brat
and I think your crazy

Just because you are in sports
and hug sweaty boys
You wear nothing but gym shorts
and weights are your toys

Does not mean you can take me out...................so SHUDDUP DOO
BEFORE I HAVE TO WHIP YOU!!!! HAHAHAH

p.s. SMELL MY FINGER!!!

Family, Frustration and Fun

I don't know why I continue to torture myself with this thing called Blogs. It seems to me that I was not mean't to blog. I hate Blogging. It means I have to put myself and my thoughts into words. This is ridiculous. Read my mind.........
oh well. I know it's impossible so here I go to suffer through another painful blog entry after 10 mins of figuring out which account it was under and finally figuring out how to add a post not create ANOTHER blog.

Mom recently has been sending me pictures and telling me about all the things that the family gets to do. She keeps me up to date on the ER activities and the great times that you guys have. I've decided since I cannot be there, I will alter photos so that you all can see I left my mark. This is the first of many yet to come.

So it seems its Ed week. Many things keep coming up about Uncle Ed. Questions about my childhood, relatives, Stories of time spent visiting them. I sat down and explained Ed fully to Kerrianne who's heard the many Ed references and a few stories. Then, he came up in a conversation with AMA. Finally I go to my mother's blog and see that my nephew has been asking about Ed. Time to call him. Wonder how he's doing. I got to thinking.....Family get together, this 4th of July in Tawas. We'll all rent hotel rooms, Dad will bring the boat....We can spend a weekend up at the cottage so to speak. I WILL organize this. Maybe Uncle Dave even. He doesnt have that many years left in him and everyone hates to admit we love him but still.....to have one summer where we all come to him. It would mean the world to him. Why you ask? Why in the hell would I want to go up there and do that? One simple answer. A man spends his entire life working towards goals and futures only to be beaten kicked bit and scratched. Some men make it, others do not. All in all we try to take whatever moments of happiness with us when we stumble upon them. We always have those things that we always wish would happen but they never do. I think Ed's is to know someone Cares...and is Proud of him. I am. I see the man over the years do many selfless acts out of the kindness of his heart no matter what he grumbles while he's doing it. I remember trips to Ed's to go spend a week or two with him. I remember the lessons he taught me. No matter what Ed always led you to believe you were cutting your own path but being smart about it. All in all he was teaching lessons of love and life through the teachings that he knew was good. I just want to thank him for everything he has taught me about life. We didn't spend years and years together but what he did teach me was lifelasting. I only hope to be able to be as good a man as you are....and pass forth that knowledge to those I love as you did me.

Simple life

ooooooooooomfg. After spending 30 mins battling with blogspot about which account I used to make this damned thing, I almost didn't post today. I continually tried over and over to get into my account and FINALLY figured it out. YAHOO. I'm posting it on here so I don't forget. lol.

I need to simplify my life. 2 or 3 email accounts. a few passwords that are less than 15 characters. Just less complicated.

So tonight, I'm finding an AA meeting. I'm going no matter what is going on. I'm going to go dressed up since I'll be glad to be there. I'll go with a smile on my face and know that once I get out, it will be one closer to Simplicity. To be able to go get yourself a pack of cigarettes. To go home to see family. To just Drive. I miss it so much. I miss the feeling of nothing but you and your will to go somewhere. I miss being able to be wherever I want to be whenever I want to be there. I want so badly to just have my life back again. 4 years of being immobile unless someone felt like taking you. 4 years of waiting on someone else. 4 years of no real life.

If you read this blog, make sure to send me an email. Remind me ...MON WED FRI ....AA meetings. Bug the shit out of me to go. Harass me. Tired of coming home smelling like fried food, covered in a layer of grease from the air within the kitchens. I so want to come home looking as good as I did when I walked out the door. I want to be This Joe again.