28th birthday

I am 28. It's official.

Life sucks.

I sit here on my birthday feeling very alone and sad. I am sad that my family, my children and friends are not here to wish me a Happy Birthday. I tried to call my mother so she could share with me the exact moment I was born. She was on the phone with Uncle Dave and would call me back. Of all days, of all times. I waited 30 minutes, the moment passed........and I felt shitty. I am home....alone. I call mom again to tell her I'm gonna be gone all day. To at least tell her I love her and to thank her for today. Because today has always been special for me. It was a day my mother made me feel like 1000000 bucks. Because every year on March 24th when I lived at home, I felt like a king. Mom did that. Today, I feel like I have been forgotten. She did not answer. I then Call Uncle Dave and he answers like I knew he would. I ask him to relay the message. He confirms it, then hangs up. Another person who did not recognize the significance of this day. After a few moments of clearing my eyes, I think back to this morning. I have one happy moment for today. Lexi. She called, sang in english and Chinese and asked if she was invited to my birthday party. Asking if she could come. At this point I'm in total tears, typing this blog.

I think this is the worst birthday ever. I will never forget this birthday the rest of my life.

I keep this blog for one reason. So that my children at some point if they ever doubt me as a loving father realize that I am trying. I can't express the guilt I feel when I think of the moments lost. Of times I was not there for you children. I Love you Alexis and Daniel. I'm sorry.

Alexis, I Love you so much. For every last smile you've given me. For every last laugh. You are my every breath. You are why I try.

Daniel, You are my proudest moment. I had a boy. Every time I hear you I smile. You are my every step. You drive me to be a better man. You are why I will never give up.

Mom, I know your life is chaotic. I know you have a million and one things on your mind. I know you dont realize how important today is. You either forgot or forgot what it was like. Either way I love you anyway. I just accept that sometimes you don't have time.

Maybe next year......