Centering

It has been some time since I have posted on my blog. I don't even know if anyone reads it anymore. I just figure its a good place for me to get out some thoughts. Lately, I have been diving into working on websites and website design. I have become involved in an internet radio station as well. I have hours and hours of work put into several websites and have accomplished something. I am currently providing website hosting, website design and website administration. I am currently working on several projects for other people with the potential for it to become something major. Something will work out eventually. 5 customers after only operating a month. Its a start. 50 customers will come soon enough. Once I have 50, I will be satisfied.
I've been asked to do a remix on an album for a musician friend of mine. I am honored he felt I was up to the task. I will let you all know when it will be released.
I've been stressed lately but life is slowly sorting itself out. I have my assessment on the 18th and am very excited about that. One step closer to gaining my life back. I can't wait til everything gets back to functional. I dont even ask for normal. Is there a normal? anyway I will start to do some cool things with this site after I finish a few of my other projects. I will be making a memorial page later this month as well. I will make sure to post the site when its finished. It will be my gift to those who loved Karen. It will be the last piece I need to place to deal with that pain. Its something that I can do to express my feelings. It has been a little over 6 months and it seems like it was yesterday. Recently, Tammy lost her mom. Seeing the pain of loss brought everything back to the surface. Watching a family lose someone unexpectedly was a nightmare once again. Life, Death....it all sucks. Dead people have it easy, its the living that are screwed. No matter what we do, we always have to live through some sort of pain. Hopefully the good moments will start to outweigh the bad ones. One day at a time, one step at a time I will continue to fix me. I will continue to hold my head up and push on. Alone, together, whatever....I will survive.

Lexi comes to Kansas

My babies came to Kansas for a wedding. Perfect opportunity to spend the weekend with Lexi!


After a long drive of flat fields and a few farms one field fire and about 2 hrs of anticipation we finally arrived in Wichita only to get lost!



After driving in the WRONG direction through Wichita, we finally arrived at the Hotel(condo) that Laura and gang were staying in and got Princess Lexi. She was very happy to see daddy.



With a 2 hr drive it took a lot of creativity to keep her occupied because daddy forgot the video tape for the car. We had fun though. This was Lexi the construction worker. Pretend is a great game!



Before we got home, Tammy insisted we stop to get all of lexi's favorite treats. HER milk, Her cereal, Granola bars and CHEETOS For her SPECIAL SNACK. Daddy even got sprite so she could have some pop. What a wonderful plan to make her feel special. Thanks for making sure the trip was memorable Tammy. I'm sure she loved the shopping trip.

Visits with lexi mean lots of fun. Every once in awhile it means a backrub. Daddy got lucky this time!




Mornings were spent cuddling on the couch watching Cartoons and just relaxin!



Lexi had a blast meeting new people, playing with doggies and can't forget the indoor squirtgun fight.





Kerrianne stopped by to bring her mt. dew and M&M's just to make sure she had enough energy to play with daddy. THANKS ALOT KERRIANNE.


Overall it was a great trip. Lots of laughs, lots of fun. Can't wait to see my babygirl again. Thank you Laura for bringing her here to experience a wonderful trip to see daddy.

Sisters

Sisters are great
Sisters are fun
Sisters make you laugh
But they can also make you run

I love my sisters
there is no doubt
Sisters always love you
but now I only have one.



This one is special to me
No matter how we fight
she has always been kind
We've always been tight

Someone who would never let me fall
As close to a sibling as I could be
Being standoffish with all
I let Cat see the true side of me.

She is my sister
always chose her over the other
she watched over me
just like my own mother

This poem is just to say
Thank you cat pee
I think of you every day
Thank you for being there for me

Love you sis. No matter what I am here for you. I apologize for my last post since I did not explain it very well. Karen of all people captured it with one statement that mom found on her computer.



I know you love me and I love you. Just need to work things out in life and its hard to do with so much love. It's hard to hide from things you have to face if there's love and support there to help you. You of all people I do not want to disappoint and facing you this summer would be hard. Have to take things one day at a time. As you said "Baby steps". I'm trying. Just know that. Love you Cat.

Being home......

Ahhhhhhhh........
finally I can just hang out......
I get up this morning and mom has been up and doing her usual motions of the day. Already up and alive for the day accomplishing things like clockwork. Setting out the day and how things are going to be done. Everyone having stayed home but dad and mikey, Both setting thier homelife emotions aside, they go forth to tackle the daily riggors of work and school. They are strong. I just want to hug them. I admire them for thier strength.

I spent the day keeping myself busy accomplishing small and mundane tasks. Fixing the mower, mowing, trimming the bushes, playing with catie to keep her out of grandma's hair. Making Catie laugh. She stayed home because she was "sick" and needed grandma. Dinner was good and late night snacks as well. Everyone's made thier rounds in the house, falling off slowly to thier resting spots for the night. Mike and I pound the keys into the wee hours finding no rest in sight. Sitting in the dark at our computers listening to chill music. The reality of home. It feels so the same. Just for a moment I don't hurt.

As I talked with mom today, I told mom if I was here when cat showed I'd be leaving about the time Cat got into town. She chuckled knowing my meaning and said ok joey. But then I thought about things deeply this evening. It would be nice to have her here. To tell her I love her. To see my nephew. Miss you lots tater tots. To share a moment or two with them. To keep them fresh in my heart. No matter what, good times or bad, a moment together is worth everything in the world. They are family. Embrace those moments together, for one day they will be worth a lifetime of smiles, tears, laughter and most importantly love. Looking forward in seeing you Cat, if I'm still here. I apologize if you took any offense to that but you understand how sometimes I can max you out with my hardheadedness. Moving on, I May be in Chicago with Uncle dave by the time that rolls around.Catie and I had fun today. She got a thorough tickling to the floor by the claw.

Life does go on no matter how hard it is. It is what it is.

Had to....just to see..

You Are a Believer

You definitely believe in God - and you're very unwavering in your religious beliefs. In fact, religion and spirituality are definitely big parts of your life. Religion shapes how you view right and wrong, as well as the decisions you make. It's hard for you to imagine how your life would be without your beliefs.

Are You an Atheist, Agnostic or a Believer?

Did anyone ever wonder?

The pot overfloweth

To explain to all and any that know me where I am at this point......you get a Joenalogy. Anyone who knows me knows that I use analogies but these are my special kind.

I am a pot. Filled with water. Water being emotion...it easily flows. It also can overflow. I sit upon the burner filled to the rim. No room to boil. No room to empty. To try to remove any water, I'll spill over. To try to do anything but give it time to evaporate or maybe even very low heat, things end in splashing. Only time and patience will allow the pot to empty.




Every morning of every day I wake in the usual manner. I think of all the things I can do and all the things I want to take on. I feel as if I can do none of them. Work, food, even thinking requires effort. Those around me kick my ass to get me in gear because my face must be an open book. I have Erika to thank for the reality check that I most recently have had. She has been a sister to me in so many ways. I have cried thinking of memories only to have her give me words that came from karens mouth. If it were not for her, I'd be even more lost than I already am. She took me under her wing to look out for her "little brother" and in dealing with her own pain and misery she tries to fix me. I realize how everyone is reaching out to help me. I've come to realize this is something I cannot let someone else fix. I cannot do it the way everyone else thinks is best. I have to survive the way I know best. So today I await the arrival of my parents, thinking of what fun times are to come. I have the smiles ready and the laughter prepared. Hopefully it will be genuine. I will be leaving The Ernst residence tomorrow with thankfulness in my heart. Had The Ernst family not been here for me, I would have been lost myself.

From the bottom of my heart, Thank you Erika, Ann and Coach.

If you ever need anything, I will do what I can from wherever I am. I am entirely grateful for your intervention.

Erika, Through all of this you have pulled me through this darkness just as karen would have. Your blunt reality checks have been a smile. You gave me something no one could have given me. Last moments with karen. I can never repay you.

Ann, Your understanding and kindness has been an experience like no other. Thank you for helping me keep strong in my faith.

Coach, Thanks for being an ear and understanding where I am coming from.

Duke, Maybe next time you can bite me...lol (inside joke)

I love you guys. I will see you again when lives have been sorted out.

Morning attempt...

So this morning I wake up in the normal way, and start going through the motions of life again. Each day finding itself less of a nightmare but still very raw.
Just as I think ok today's gonna be chill, my mind brings to the attention reality as it comes into focus for the first blinking moments. Then I realize yes, today is just as FUCKED as any other day......hey life as usual. Consistancy is the key to normal life right? After dreaming all night about hanging out with karen, I wake with a smile today though. Friday the 13th.....ooooh creepy. Makes me think of that movie with the people who switch bodies. Karen if you can hear me you're not gonna switch and posess my body to talk to those who are here. No matter how cool or relieving it may be to you......forget it. You'd dress me up in a tutu before you left possession.

The dreams...they come every night. Sometimes good, sometimes bad. Always with a message. No matter how small the message is, I know. It is her way of saying Hi. Even when it's her poking at you. This entire dream I had wasnt of past events. Things that havent happened yet that could have...things if she were still alive. So I wake up, I cry and then smile....and try to hold onto every last detail of her. Of what she said to me in the dream . It's kinda funny how I spend 28 years tryin to forget some of the things she said to me and now I will spend the rest of my life trying to remember every last word. But that's Karen for you.

No matter how much she PISSED you off....she always had something worth hearing. Somewhere within the conversation. No matter if the rest of it was utter babble. There was always that one thing that she would say to redeem the rest of the conversation.

So today I went to her blog (which I havent done in a while) and decided I was gonna laugh. I took this test that she had on there.....Which card are you? Really creepy what it came up with. It described me to a "T" and it made me laugh.

I have spent many hours talking with karens friends. Those who truely knew her. Those who loved her as I did. As a sister. As a Best friend. As Karen in her full glory. It has helped me with the pain...but the memories still flood me.

Regret is something karen spoke about very sincerely. Karen knew what Regret was. She was very clear about the subject. It was her way of forgiving me for a few things and helping me forgive myself. In her awesome or as someone once quoted about karen "FUCKING AWESOME" (thanks Jim Gomoll...yeah Jim really said F*ing)way, Karen has helped me with part of my life that I was stuck upon. Constantly regretting my mistakes of the past. Always wallowing within them, she broke me free.

No at this point I havent lost my mind yet. I'm serious. She broke me free.

For those of you who know me I've done many things in a short lifespan. I continually run from thing to thing, place to place. I am constantly changing, making things different for me. Trying to find where I fit in. Trying to find what is comfortable for me. I have been all over the country and even now continually search for what is right. I know what I want, just now realizing how to get it. I have to let go of my regrets. I have to let go of my fears. Put my mind to it.
Uncle Dave once said "once you put your mind to something, its over with. You make it happen." followed by "you're smarter than I am.." Ok the man makes a great living and has the things in life he wants. I have the necessities and a few comforts....but what am I missing? What is it that he has that I do not? Then it hits me. Drive. He has the drive that no other person has. The determination to make things happen just because he decides thats what he's gonna do. Wanna live like uncle dave, gotta think like uncle dave.

Decisions are hard. They are the choice between failure and sucess. I hate to fail.

Why do I let failing stand in my way? No regrets remember?

Everyone stand back as I journey forth to make things happen. To take hold of my life. To venture off into another crazy adventure but this time.....I have her guidence. Something I never listened to before. I had good reason. Still, with that being said....Chicago here I come. I'm flying into Chicago to spend the night with Uncle Dave and the gang. Gonna take a moment to smile. To laugh. To get the encouragement I've always gotten from him. The love that he's always shown.

Then rebuild my life once again. To Find myself. To break free of this once and for all. It's as if I needed to completely shut down before I could start again. To Reboot. Too bad the system had to crash before I could reboot. I've never been so exhausted in my life.

I know as I venture forth, karen will be with me. I like to think that she's been charged with being my guardian angel for her passage into heaven. It keeps me smiling.

They say that when someone impacts your life, you're forever changed. With karen, You're completely a different person. Thats how "Fucking Awesome" she is.

Love you sis.

Pain

The neverending pain

the nonstop tears

the burning inside

the constant fears

Having thoughts and memories

flying through your head

feeling eternal sadness

for the one who is dead

Having those times together

those cherished smiles

travelling across the country

thinking for 1300 miles

laughter, anger, sadness and joy

I am not the same man

I am broken

never to smile again for I dont think I can

Then I hear her say to me

dont be that way joe

I love you little brudder

I just want you to know

I see it in her pictures

the love she had to give

We all shall carry them with us

but my eyes still leaking like a siv

The last picture I took of my sister

the Smile and her middle finger

Knowing I was her little brother

Her love shall always linger

Karen Jeanne Chin

Karen Jeanne Chin, She was A Mother, A Daughter, A Sister, An Aunt. A Neice, A Cousin, and a Friend to all of you.
When I think of Karen. I think of Times of fun and times when we were little. Late night parties and carefree days.
Times when she had her life together.
There was a time that she shined in everything she did.
My sister was like no other person on this earth.
From laughter to tears, Karen allowed me to know what it is to be human.
She taught me that it’s ok to make mistakes because we are human.
She taught me that sometimes you just have to do what feels right, but just be ready for the consequences, Joey.
I remember standing in my mothers dining room and having to keep my mothers dining room table between us.
Why this specific moment you ask?
Because it was when Karen was at her best....and her worst.
It is a moment I always think of.
She was always trying to prove her point, yet she was unwilling to truly hurt anyone……….So she was throwing dinner rolls at me!
She always beat up on me growing up.
Not just the bullying older sisters impose on younger brothers.
Oh, no………….not Karen…..She was TOUGH!
And She taught me to be tough.
She was the older brother I never had.
No matter what, if I was being an idiot,
Karen would set me straight...and even try to punish me like a Mom.
It was her way. SMACK!.....Get your head out of your butt Joey.
I got that a lot from Karen.
Then time passed and we grew up.
"Mackinac Island Pudge" as she called her chubby little brother, grew to be a man and had a family.
And I still thought back to the things Karen taught me.
The times she defended me.
We once worked together at Taco Bell. She was my boss and she loved that.
We partied together after work.
We were finally the friends that I'd always imagined we'd be.

We were so close that I stood up for her one night when we went out to a bar. Some guy was bothering Karen and I stepped in. The guy swung at me and Karen ended up knocking the guy with a flying side kick because he had swung HER BROTHER. The whole family had a good laugh over that one. Karen loved her family.


She has recently been taking care of Mom, who has been sick.
She worried about Dad constantly and was always trying to feed him.
She has been looking out for Mike and Andy since they were born.
She and Cat have a connection that is beyond words. She loved to tease Cat and say "I know you know how to fly jet planes, but I know what to do when a baby gets a fever…so HA! HA! HA!


Then her life fell apart once again.
In true Karen style, she bottomed out.....and then picked herself back up.
I often times compared my sister to the Phoenix. That mythical creature whose qualities are present in certain people.
She was just one of them.
No matter how many times she burst into flames....she would somehow arise from the ashes.
And she would soar again.
Karen was a survivor. Someone who no matter what pile of poop she ended up in, she would turn it into a manure stand and make a profit from it while smiling.
I truly believe that Karen is ok now.
I know that Karen would not miss her final performance.
She is here with us.
She will stay far beyond the final curtain.
In true Karen style.
Each and every one of you that knows my sister will know exactly what I'm talking about.
Years from now you will come across something or have a moment and think back to her. You will hear her voice say to you in whatever tone that fits the situation. She will speak to you louder than your own voice.
She will say to you...I love you.

In all of her years on this earth, she was never short of love. Nor voice. Karen as outspoken as she was, always had something to say about whatever the subject was.
She was the family comedian. No matter how hard I tried, I was still the little brother, and could never quite zing her like she zinged me.
I remember the last few times I saw her. I remember being so hurt looking at her thinking to myself that I just wanted her to be ok. She was struggling.
As I looked at her in the hospital she was so peaceful....
I knew she finally was not worried. She was not upset. She was not alone any more.
She was at peace after years of chaos and too much pain.
She is in Gods hands now.
No more worries, Karen.
God felt it was her time to feel the everlasting bliss of heaven.
She will never be troubled by the demons that tormented her.
But Karen, I shall never be the same without you.
My WONDER CHIN POWERS will no longer activate without you.
My Golden condor will never fly.
Building Lego cities will never be the same.
I have to bury the one who stood beside me when I could not stand alone.
Karen, You once carried me into the hospital, all 4 foot nothing of you....helping me walk. I lived because you made me go to the doctor.
Life without my little twin will never be the same. I cannot look into the mirror without seeing you looking back at me and then making a face at me. Always, trying to get me to smile.
Even now....crying inside, as I read this, I think back to our childhood.
I wanted nothing more than to be your buddy.
At one time you were my best friend.
Mom says be strong, so I have to.
Dad can barely speak and he doesn’t need to.
Your brothers shall be strong for you Karen...Just like the last time you went to Holy Communion when Mike and Andy took you and helped guide you to the altar when you were too weak.
And when no one is looking we all shall be weak, with missing you.
You always looked out for us, now its our turn and we will celebrate you, bury your body and say goodbye until we meet again in heaven.
I love you. Sis.

Dear Lord...

Allmighty god, the father of everything good....please I get down on my knees and beg you to watch over my sister. To take away her pain. To let the truth be known about her situation. To watch over her. To let her be ok. I pray in this hour of desparation that you be with her in my stead. I cannot watch over her myself. This I ask as a favor. One that I will repay to you in any way. Take care of her.

Amen

Update to today for the moment.

So I decided today I was going to do exactly what I wanted when I wanted and stop feeling sorry for myself. I sat in my chair got this all of my system with the help of a few good friends doing whatever they could to make me laugh....

Then my mom calls...and makes me feel a little better knowing she did remember!
Thanks mom....even though it was on your schedule...lol

28th birthday

I am 28. It's official.

Life sucks.

I sit here on my birthday feeling very alone and sad. I am sad that my family, my children and friends are not here to wish me a Happy Birthday. I tried to call my mother so she could share with me the exact moment I was born. She was on the phone with Uncle Dave and would call me back. Of all days, of all times. I waited 30 minutes, the moment passed........and I felt shitty. I am home....alone. I call mom again to tell her I'm gonna be gone all day. To at least tell her I love her and to thank her for today. Because today has always been special for me. It was a day my mother made me feel like 1000000 bucks. Because every year on March 24th when I lived at home, I felt like a king. Mom did that. Today, I feel like I have been forgotten. She did not answer. I then Call Uncle Dave and he answers like I knew he would. I ask him to relay the message. He confirms it, then hangs up. Another person who did not recognize the significance of this day. After a few moments of clearing my eyes, I think back to this morning. I have one happy moment for today. Lexi. She called, sang in english and Chinese and asked if she was invited to my birthday party. Asking if she could come. At this point I'm in total tears, typing this blog.

I think this is the worst birthday ever. I will never forget this birthday the rest of my life.

I keep this blog for one reason. So that my children at some point if they ever doubt me as a loving father realize that I am trying. I can't express the guilt I feel when I think of the moments lost. Of times I was not there for you children. I Love you Alexis and Daniel. I'm sorry.

Alexis, I Love you so much. For every last smile you've given me. For every last laugh. You are my every breath. You are why I try.

Daniel, You are my proudest moment. I had a boy. Every time I hear you I smile. You are my every step. You drive me to be a better man. You are why I will never give up.

Mom, I know your life is chaotic. I know you have a million and one things on your mind. I know you dont realize how important today is. You either forgot or forgot what it was like. Either way I love you anyway. I just accept that sometimes you don't have time.

Maybe next year......

Brotherly Love

Ok this post is specifically for andy

My Brother doo
the one I love most
You smell like poo
and your shoulder is toast

You think I'm fat?
You think I'm Lazy?
well you're a spoiled brat
and I think your crazy

Just because you are in sports
and hug sweaty boys
You wear nothing but gym shorts
and weights are your toys

Does not mean you can take me out...................so SHUDDUP DOO
BEFORE I HAVE TO WHIP YOU!!!! HAHAHAH

p.s. SMELL MY FINGER!!!

Family, Frustration and Fun

I don't know why I continue to torture myself with this thing called Blogs. It seems to me that I was not mean't to blog. I hate Blogging. It means I have to put myself and my thoughts into words. This is ridiculous. Read my mind.........
oh well. I know it's impossible so here I go to suffer through another painful blog entry after 10 mins of figuring out which account it was under and finally figuring out how to add a post not create ANOTHER blog.

Mom recently has been sending me pictures and telling me about all the things that the family gets to do. She keeps me up to date on the ER activities and the great times that you guys have. I've decided since I cannot be there, I will alter photos so that you all can see I left my mark. This is the first of many yet to come.

So it seems its Ed week. Many things keep coming up about Uncle Ed. Questions about my childhood, relatives, Stories of time spent visiting them. I sat down and explained Ed fully to Kerrianne who's heard the many Ed references and a few stories. Then, he came up in a conversation with AMA. Finally I go to my mother's blog and see that my nephew has been asking about Ed. Time to call him. Wonder how he's doing. I got to thinking.....Family get together, this 4th of July in Tawas. We'll all rent hotel rooms, Dad will bring the boat....We can spend a weekend up at the cottage so to speak. I WILL organize this. Maybe Uncle Dave even. He doesnt have that many years left in him and everyone hates to admit we love him but still.....to have one summer where we all come to him. It would mean the world to him. Why you ask? Why in the hell would I want to go up there and do that? One simple answer. A man spends his entire life working towards goals and futures only to be beaten kicked bit and scratched. Some men make it, others do not. All in all we try to take whatever moments of happiness with us when we stumble upon them. We always have those things that we always wish would happen but they never do. I think Ed's is to know someone Cares...and is Proud of him. I am. I see the man over the years do many selfless acts out of the kindness of his heart no matter what he grumbles while he's doing it. I remember trips to Ed's to go spend a week or two with him. I remember the lessons he taught me. No matter what Ed always led you to believe you were cutting your own path but being smart about it. All in all he was teaching lessons of love and life through the teachings that he knew was good. I just want to thank him for everything he has taught me about life. We didn't spend years and years together but what he did teach me was lifelasting. I only hope to be able to be as good a man as you are....and pass forth that knowledge to those I love as you did me.

Simple life

ooooooooooomfg. After spending 30 mins battling with blogspot about which account I used to make this damned thing, I almost didn't post today. I continually tried over and over to get into my account and FINALLY figured it out. YAHOO. I'm posting it on here so I don't forget. lol.

I need to simplify my life. 2 or 3 email accounts. a few passwords that are less than 15 characters. Just less complicated.

So tonight, I'm finding an AA meeting. I'm going no matter what is going on. I'm going to go dressed up since I'll be glad to be there. I'll go with a smile on my face and know that once I get out, it will be one closer to Simplicity. To be able to go get yourself a pack of cigarettes. To go home to see family. To just Drive. I miss it so much. I miss the feeling of nothing but you and your will to go somewhere. I miss being able to be wherever I want to be whenever I want to be there. I want so badly to just have my life back again. 4 years of being immobile unless someone felt like taking you. 4 years of waiting on someone else. 4 years of no real life.

If you read this blog, make sure to send me an email. Remind me ...MON WED FRI ....AA meetings. Bug the shit out of me to go. Harass me. Tired of coming home smelling like fried food, covered in a layer of grease from the air within the kitchens. I so want to come home looking as good as I did when I walked out the door. I want to be This Joe again.

The Moment of Molly

I recently took a trip to the animal shelter here locally. I was not going to get a dog. I only wanted to look. I started around the kennels and didn't really see something I liked. The last cage was in sight and all of a sudden mad barking erupted from within its cold bars and cement. As I came in sight of the occupant within, she bounced forth with tongue and a wagging tail. I began to pet "Kricket" and she leaned upon the bars. As I talked to the dog, I saw Molly staring back at me. Something inside said take this dog home. So....I did.

I had 2 days with this beautiful dog. She knew how to shake, sit, lay down, walk on a leash. She was friendly with everyone that she saw. Then out of nowhere she growled as one of Tammy's kids tried to pet her. Not having it. She was returned back to the Animal shelter with a full revue in the hopes that some single guy or single woman or couple who could not have children would adopt her.

I was heartbroken......

As I left the animal shelter I forced myself to stop by a vet's office that has animals for adoption. Their policy is no aggressive animals. As I entered, I spotted a playpen in the lobby full of puppies. I told myself "look for a Lab. Look for a Lab. DO NOT LOOK IN THE PLAYPEN!!" .....

Well as you can imagine with my A.D.D. and my love for things small, I ended up looking into the playpen.....and as you can see......Emma was there to steal my heart.