It has been some time since I have posted on my blog. I don't even know if anyone reads it anymore. I just figure its a good place for me to get out some thoughts. Lately, I have been diving into working on websites and website design. I have become involved in an internet radio station as well. I have hours and hours of work put into several websites and have accomplished something. I am currently providing website hosting, website design and website administration. I am currently working on several projects for other people with the potential for it to become something major. Something will work out eventually. 5 customers after only operating a month. Its a start. 50 customers will come soon enough. Once I have 50, I will be satisfied.
I've been asked to do a remix on an album for a musician friend of mine. I am honored he felt I was up to the task. I will let you all know when it will be released.
I've been stressed lately but life is slowly sorting itself out. I have my assessment on the 18th and am very excited about that. One step closer to gaining my life back. I can't wait til everything gets back to functional. I dont even ask for normal. Is there a normal? anyway I will start to do some cool things with this site after I finish a few of my other projects. I will be making a memorial page later this month as well. I will make sure to post the site when its finished. It will be my gift to those who loved Karen. It will be the last piece I need to place to deal with that pain. Its something that I can do to express my feelings. It has been a little over 6 months and it seems like it was yesterday. Recently, Tammy lost her mom. Seeing the pain of loss brought everything back to the surface. Watching a family lose someone unexpectedly was a nightmare once again. Life, Death....it all sucks. Dead people have it easy, its the living that are screwed. No matter what we do, we always have to live through some sort of pain. Hopefully the good moments will start to outweigh the bad ones. One day at a time, one step at a time I will continue to fix me. I will continue to hold my head up and push on. Alone, together, whatever....I will survive.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Monday, July 9, 2007
Lexi comes to Kansas
My babies came to Kansas for a wedding. Perfect opportunity to spend the weekend with Lexi!
After a long drive of flat fields and a few farms one field fire and about 2 hrs of anticipation we finally arrived in Wichita only to get lost!
After driving in the WRONG direction through Wichita, we finally arrived at the Hotel(condo) that Laura and gang were staying in and got Princess Lexi. She was very happy to see daddy.
With a 2 hr drive it took a lot of creativity to keep her occupied because daddy forgot the video tape for the car. We had fun though. This was Lexi the construction worker. Pretend is a great game!
Before we got home, Tammy insisted we stop to get all of lexi's favorite treats. HER milk, Her cereal, Granola bars and CHEETOS For her SPECIAL SNACK. Daddy even got sprite so she could have some pop. What a wonderful plan to make her feel special. Thanks for making sure the trip was memorable Tammy. I'm sure she loved the shopping trip.
Visits with lexi mean lots of fun. Every once in awhile it means a backrub. Daddy got lucky this time!
Mornings were spent cuddling on the couch watching Cartoons and just relaxin!
Lexi had a blast meeting new people, playing with doggies and can't forget the indoor squirtgun fight.
Kerrianne stopped by to bring her mt. dew and M&M's just to make sure she had enough energy to play with daddy. THANKS ALOT KERRIANNE.
Overall it was a great trip. Lots of laughs, lots of fun. Can't wait to see my babygirl again. Thank you Laura for bringing her here to experience a wonderful trip to see daddy.
Tuesday, May 1, 2007
Sisters
Sisters are great
Sisters are fun
Sisters make you laugh
But they can also make you run
I love my sisters
there is no doubt
Sisters always love you
but now I only have one.
This one is special to me
No matter how we fight
she has always been kind
We've always been tight
Someone who would never let me fall
As close to a sibling as I could be
Being standoffish with all
I let Cat see the true side of me.
She is my sister
always chose her over the other
she watched over me
just like my own mother
This poem is just to say
Thank you cat pee
I think of you every day
Thank you for being there for me
Love you sis. No matter what I am here for you. I apologize for my last post since I did not explain it very well. Karen of all people captured it with one statement that mom found on her computer.
I know you love me and I love you. Just need to work things out in life and its hard to do with so much love. It's hard to hide from things you have to face if there's love and support there to help you. You of all people I do not want to disappoint and facing you this summer would be hard. Have to take things one day at a time. As you said "Baby steps". I'm trying. Just know that. Love you Cat.
Sisters are fun
Sisters make you laugh
But they can also make you run
I love my sisters
there is no doubt
Sisters always love you
but now I only have one.
This one is special to me
No matter how we fight
she has always been kind
We've always been tight
Someone who would never let me fall
As close to a sibling as I could be
Being standoffish with all
I let Cat see the true side of me.
She is my sister
always chose her over the other
she watched over me
just like my own mother
This poem is just to say
Thank you cat pee
I think of you every day
Thank you for being there for me
Love you sis. No matter what I am here for you. I apologize for my last post since I did not explain it very well. Karen of all people captured it with one statement that mom found on her computer.
I know you love me and I love you. Just need to work things out in life and its hard to do with so much love. It's hard to hide from things you have to face if there's love and support there to help you. You of all people I do not want to disappoint and facing you this summer would be hard. Have to take things one day at a time. As you said "Baby steps". I'm trying. Just know that. Love you Cat.
Monday, April 23, 2007
Being home......
Ahhhhhhhh........
finally I can just hang out......
I get up this morning and mom has been up and doing her usual motions of the day. Already up and alive for the day accomplishing things like clockwork. Setting out the day and how things are going to be done. Everyone having stayed home but dad and mikey, Both setting thier homelife emotions aside, they go forth to tackle the daily riggors of work and school. They are strong. I just want to hug them. I admire them for thier strength.
I spent the day keeping myself busy accomplishing small and mundane tasks. Fixing the mower, mowing, trimming the bushes, playing with catie to keep her out of grandma's hair. Making Catie laugh. She stayed home because she was "sick" and needed grandma. Dinner was good and late night snacks as well. Everyone's made thier rounds in the house, falling off slowly to thier resting spots for the night. Mike and I pound the keys into the wee hours finding no rest in sight. Sitting in the dark at our computers listening to chill music. The reality of home. It feels so the same. Just for a moment I don't hurt.
As I talked with mom today, I told mom if I was here when cat showed I'd be leaving about the time Cat got into town. She chuckled knowing my meaning and said ok joey. But then I thought about things deeply this evening. It would be nice to have her here. To tell her I love her. To see my nephew. Miss you lots tater tots. To share a moment or two with them. To keep them fresh in my heart. No matter what, good times or bad, a moment together is worth everything in the world. They are family. Embrace those moments together, for one day they will be worth a lifetime of smiles, tears, laughter and most importantly love. Looking forward in seeing you Cat, if I'm still here. I apologize if you took any offense to that but you understand how sometimes I can max you out with my hardheadedness. Moving on, I May be in Chicago with Uncle dave by the time that rolls around.Catie and I had fun today. She got a thorough tickling to the floor by the claw.
Life does go on no matter how hard it is. It is what it is.
finally I can just hang out......
I get up this morning and mom has been up and doing her usual motions of the day. Already up and alive for the day accomplishing things like clockwork. Setting out the day and how things are going to be done. Everyone having stayed home but dad and mikey, Both setting thier homelife emotions aside, they go forth to tackle the daily riggors of work and school. They are strong. I just want to hug them. I admire them for thier strength.
I spent the day keeping myself busy accomplishing small and mundane tasks. Fixing the mower, mowing, trimming the bushes, playing with catie to keep her out of grandma's hair. Making Catie laugh. She stayed home because she was "sick" and needed grandma. Dinner was good and late night snacks as well. Everyone's made thier rounds in the house, falling off slowly to thier resting spots for the night. Mike and I pound the keys into the wee hours finding no rest in sight. Sitting in the dark at our computers listening to chill music. The reality of home. It feels so the same. Just for a moment I don't hurt.
As I talked with mom today, I told mom if I was here when cat showed I'd be leaving about the time Cat got into town. She chuckled knowing my meaning and said ok joey. But then I thought about things deeply this evening. It would be nice to have her here. To tell her I love her. To see my nephew. Miss you lots tater tots. To share a moment or two with them. To keep them fresh in my heart. No matter what, good times or bad, a moment together is worth everything in the world. They are family. Embrace those moments together, for one day they will be worth a lifetime of smiles, tears, laughter and most importantly love. Looking forward in seeing you Cat, if I'm still here. I apologize if you took any offense to that but you understand how sometimes I can max you out with my hardheadedness. Moving on, I May be in Chicago with Uncle dave by the time that rolls around.Catie and I had fun today. She got a thorough tickling to the floor by the claw.
Life does go on no matter how hard it is. It is what it is.
Saturday, April 21, 2007
Had to....just to see..
| You Are a Believer |
 You definitely believe in God - and you're very unwavering in your religious beliefs. In fact, religion and spirituality are definitely big parts of your life. Religion shapes how you view right and wrong, as well as the decisions you make. It's hard for you to imagine how your life would be without your beliefs. |
Did anyone ever wonder?
The pot overfloweth
To explain to all and any that know me where I am at this point......you get a Joenalogy. Anyone who knows me knows that I use analogies but these are my special kind.
I am a pot. Filled with water. Water being emotion...it easily flows. It also can overflow. I sit upon the burner filled to the rim. No room to boil. No room to empty. To try to remove any water, I'll spill over. To try to do anything but give it time to evaporate or maybe even very low heat, things end in splashing. Only time and patience will allow the pot to empty.
Every morning of every day I wake in the usual manner. I think of all the things I can do and all the things I want to take on. I feel as if I can do none of them. Work, food, even thinking requires effort. Those around me kick my ass to get me in gear because my face must be an open book. I have Erika to thank for the reality check that I most recently have had. She has been a sister to me in so many ways. I have cried thinking of memories only to have her give me words that came from karens mouth. If it were not for her, I'd be even more lost than I already am. She took me under her wing to look out for her "little brother" and in dealing with her own pain and misery she tries to fix me. I realize how everyone is reaching out to help me. I've come to realize this is something I cannot let someone else fix. I cannot do it the way everyone else thinks is best. I have to survive the way I know best. So today I await the arrival of my parents, thinking of what fun times are to come. I have the smiles ready and the laughter prepared. Hopefully it will be genuine. I will be leaving The Ernst residence tomorrow with thankfulness in my heart. Had The Ernst family not been here for me, I would have been lost myself.
From the bottom of my heart, Thank you Erika, Ann and Coach.
If you ever need anything, I will do what I can from wherever I am. I am entirely grateful for your intervention.
Erika, Through all of this you have pulled me through this darkness just as karen would have. Your blunt reality checks have been a smile. You gave me something no one could have given me. Last moments with karen. I can never repay you.
Ann, Your understanding and kindness has been an experience like no other. Thank you for helping me keep strong in my faith.
Coach, Thanks for being an ear and understanding where I am coming from.
Duke, Maybe next time you can bite me...lol (inside joke)
I love you guys. I will see you again when lives have been sorted out.
I am a pot. Filled with water. Water being emotion...it easily flows. It also can overflow. I sit upon the burner filled to the rim. No room to boil. No room to empty. To try to remove any water, I'll spill over. To try to do anything but give it time to evaporate or maybe even very low heat, things end in splashing. Only time and patience will allow the pot to empty.
Every morning of every day I wake in the usual manner. I think of all the things I can do and all the things I want to take on. I feel as if I can do none of them. Work, food, even thinking requires effort. Those around me kick my ass to get me in gear because my face must be an open book. I have Erika to thank for the reality check that I most recently have had. She has been a sister to me in so many ways. I have cried thinking of memories only to have her give me words that came from karens mouth. If it were not for her, I'd be even more lost than I already am. She took me under her wing to look out for her "little brother" and in dealing with her own pain and misery she tries to fix me. I realize how everyone is reaching out to help me. I've come to realize this is something I cannot let someone else fix. I cannot do it the way everyone else thinks is best. I have to survive the way I know best. So today I await the arrival of my parents, thinking of what fun times are to come. I have the smiles ready and the laughter prepared. Hopefully it will be genuine. I will be leaving The Ernst residence tomorrow with thankfulness in my heart. Had The Ernst family not been here for me, I would have been lost myself.
From the bottom of my heart, Thank you Erika, Ann and Coach.
If you ever need anything, I will do what I can from wherever I am. I am entirely grateful for your intervention.
Erika, Through all of this you have pulled me through this darkness just as karen would have. Your blunt reality checks have been a smile. You gave me something no one could have given me. Last moments with karen. I can never repay you.
Ann, Your understanding and kindness has been an experience like no other. Thank you for helping me keep strong in my faith.
Coach, Thanks for being an ear and understanding where I am coming from.
Duke, Maybe next time you can bite me...lol (inside joke)
I love you guys. I will see you again when lives have been sorted out.
Friday, April 13, 2007
Morning attempt...
So this morning I wake up in the normal way, and start going through the motions of life again. Each day finding itself less of a nightmare but still very raw.
Just as I think ok today's gonna be chill, my mind brings to the attention reality as it comes into focus for the first blinking moments. Then I realize yes, today is just as FUCKED as any other day......hey life as usual. Consistancy is the key to normal life right? After dreaming all night about hanging out with karen, I wake with a smile today though. Friday the 13th.....ooooh creepy. Makes me think of that movie with the people who switch bodies. Karen if you can hear me you're not gonna switch and posess my body to talk to those who are here. No matter how cool or relieving it may be to you......forget it. You'd dress me up in a tutu before you left possession.
The dreams...they come every night. Sometimes good, sometimes bad. Always with a message. No matter how small the message is, I know. It is her way of saying Hi. Even when it's her poking at you. This entire dream I had wasnt of past events. Things that havent happened yet that could have...things if she were still alive. So I wake up, I cry and then smile....and try to hold onto every last detail of her. Of what she said to me in the dream . It's kinda funny how I spend 28 years tryin to forget some of the things she said to me and now I will spend the rest of my life trying to remember every last word. But that's Karen for you.
No matter how much she PISSED you off....she always had something worth hearing. Somewhere within the conversation. No matter if the rest of it was utter babble. There was always that one thing that she would say to redeem the rest of the conversation.
So today I went to her blog (which I havent done in a while) and decided I was gonna laugh. I took this test that she had on there.....Which card are you? Really creepy what it came up with. It described me to a "T" and it made me laugh.
I have spent many hours talking with karens friends. Those who truely knew her. Those who loved her as I did. As a sister. As a Best friend. As Karen in her full glory. It has helped me with the pain...but the memories still flood me.
Regret is something karen spoke about very sincerely. Karen knew what Regret was. She was very clear about the subject. It was her way of forgiving me for a few things and helping me forgive myself. In her awesome or as someone once quoted about karen "FUCKING AWESOME" (thanks Jim Gomoll...yeah Jim really said F*ing)way, Karen has helped me with part of my life that I was stuck upon. Constantly regretting my mistakes of the past. Always wallowing within them, she broke me free.
No at this point I havent lost my mind yet. I'm serious. She broke me free.
For those of you who know me I've done many things in a short lifespan. I continually run from thing to thing, place to place. I am constantly changing, making things different for me. Trying to find where I fit in. Trying to find what is comfortable for me. I have been all over the country and even now continually search for what is right. I know what I want, just now realizing how to get it. I have to let go of my regrets. I have to let go of my fears. Put my mind to it.
Uncle Dave once said "once you put your mind to something, its over with. You make it happen." followed by "you're smarter than I am.." Ok the man makes a great living and has the things in life he wants. I have the necessities and a few comforts....but what am I missing? What is it that he has that I do not? Then it hits me. Drive. He has the drive that no other person has. The determination to make things happen just because he decides thats what he's gonna do. Wanna live like uncle dave, gotta think like uncle dave.
Decisions are hard. They are the choice between failure and sucess. I hate to fail.
Why do I let failing stand in my way? No regrets remember?
Everyone stand back as I journey forth to make things happen. To take hold of my life. To venture off into another crazy adventure but this time.....I have her guidence. Something I never listened to before. I had good reason. Still, with that being said....Chicago here I come. I'm flying into Chicago to spend the night with Uncle Dave and the gang. Gonna take a moment to smile. To laugh. To get the encouragement I've always gotten from him. The love that he's always shown.
Then rebuild my life once again. To Find myself. To break free of this once and for all. It's as if I needed to completely shut down before I could start again. To Reboot. Too bad the system had to crash before I could reboot. I've never been so exhausted in my life.
I know as I venture forth, karen will be with me. I like to think that she's been charged with being my guardian angel for her passage into heaven. It keeps me smiling.
They say that when someone impacts your life, you're forever changed. With karen, You're completely a different person. Thats how "Fucking Awesome" she is.
Love you sis.
Just as I think ok today's gonna be chill, my mind brings to the attention reality as it comes into focus for the first blinking moments. Then I realize yes, today is just as FUCKED as any other day......hey life as usual. Consistancy is the key to normal life right? After dreaming all night about hanging out with karen, I wake with a smile today though. Friday the 13th.....ooooh creepy. Makes me think of that movie with the people who switch bodies. Karen if you can hear me you're not gonna switch and posess my body to talk to those who are here. No matter how cool or relieving it may be to you......forget it. You'd dress me up in a tutu before you left possession.
The dreams...they come every night. Sometimes good, sometimes bad. Always with a message. No matter how small the message is, I know. It is her way of saying Hi. Even when it's her poking at you. This entire dream I had wasnt of past events. Things that havent happened yet that could have...things if she were still alive. So I wake up, I cry and then smile....and try to hold onto every last detail of her. Of what she said to me in the dream . It's kinda funny how I spend 28 years tryin to forget some of the things she said to me and now I will spend the rest of my life trying to remember every last word. But that's Karen for you.
No matter how much she PISSED you off....she always had something worth hearing. Somewhere within the conversation. No matter if the rest of it was utter babble. There was always that one thing that she would say to redeem the rest of the conversation.
So today I went to her blog (which I havent done in a while) and decided I was gonna laugh. I took this test that she had on there.....Which card are you? Really creepy what it came up with. It described me to a "T" and it made me laugh.
I have spent many hours talking with karens friends. Those who truely knew her. Those who loved her as I did. As a sister. As a Best friend. As Karen in her full glory. It has helped me with the pain...but the memories still flood me.
Regret is something karen spoke about very sincerely. Karen knew what Regret was. She was very clear about the subject. It was her way of forgiving me for a few things and helping me forgive myself. In her awesome or as someone once quoted about karen "FUCKING AWESOME" (thanks Jim Gomoll...yeah Jim really said F*ing)way, Karen has helped me with part of my life that I was stuck upon. Constantly regretting my mistakes of the past. Always wallowing within them, she broke me free.
No at this point I havent lost my mind yet. I'm serious. She broke me free.
For those of you who know me I've done many things in a short lifespan. I continually run from thing to thing, place to place. I am constantly changing, making things different for me. Trying to find where I fit in. Trying to find what is comfortable for me. I have been all over the country and even now continually search for what is right. I know what I want, just now realizing how to get it. I have to let go of my regrets. I have to let go of my fears. Put my mind to it.
Uncle Dave once said "once you put your mind to something, its over with. You make it happen." followed by "you're smarter than I am.." Ok the man makes a great living and has the things in life he wants. I have the necessities and a few comforts....but what am I missing? What is it that he has that I do not? Then it hits me. Drive. He has the drive that no other person has. The determination to make things happen just because he decides thats what he's gonna do. Wanna live like uncle dave, gotta think like uncle dave.
Decisions are hard. They are the choice between failure and sucess. I hate to fail.
Why do I let failing stand in my way? No regrets remember?
Everyone stand back as I journey forth to make things happen. To take hold of my life. To venture off into another crazy adventure but this time.....I have her guidence. Something I never listened to before. I had good reason. Still, with that being said....Chicago here I come. I'm flying into Chicago to spend the night with Uncle Dave and the gang. Gonna take a moment to smile. To laugh. To get the encouragement I've always gotten from him. The love that he's always shown.
Then rebuild my life once again. To Find myself. To break free of this once and for all. It's as if I needed to completely shut down before I could start again. To Reboot. Too bad the system had to crash before I could reboot. I've never been so exhausted in my life.
I know as I venture forth, karen will be with me. I like to think that she's been charged with being my guardian angel for her passage into heaven. It keeps me smiling.
They say that when someone impacts your life, you're forever changed. With karen, You're completely a different person. Thats how "Fucking Awesome" she is.
Love you sis.
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